Minutes before Completing my Finance Assignment
It is 3 am here in India. By the time I’ll finish writing this, it will probably move the minute hand a bit (a lot, if you ask me) more. In all honesty, it would have turned out to be just one among the 1000 days where I feel a rush of exciting and intense thoughts before going to sleep and analyze them meticulously to the point that they get all muddled up and end up vanishing from my mind like the whiff of a Patronus Charm.
But today is different. And like a lot of moments of epiphany, this too comes from a sudden disdain for a subject you were planning to build your career in. Sounds like a perfect last-minute procrastination plan, doesn’t it? Well, to some extent, yes, because it distracted me from my assignment and led me to some meaningless Google searches.
It’s quite strange because it is when I am most critical of myself and feel low for not being efficient or being ‘less’ than anyone due to under-performance in a class test is also when I start being kind to my self-proclaimed superpower. For me, writing and reading small nuggets of nearly anything and everything is an absolute joy. Be it mails for college committees or thank-you mails for internships, I put in my all my heart into the process. If the most mundane part of something can also seem refreshing, it’s not a bad litmus test to gauge your interests.
It was precisely this which got me thinking. Doubts on my finance-solving skills lead me to a thought of pursuing what I secretly like. And it’s an odd feeling because on one hand, there is this side of me feeling all drained and low but it is also when my other side feels most powerful and believable. Why is it that the strongest love for my interest emerges from a place of profound despair and dislike? There’s nothing wrong with it unless it becomes the only moment where your love for that interest of yours feels strong.
And which is why I feel I should intervene. Often, if not regularly. Not just in my darkest moments of chasing the race but otherwise too, I must remind myself that even when I fail all my finance assignments and arrive at the conclusion of everyone being better than me, my art would still not fail me. Because no matter how many pieces have been written and judged timeless till now, they still haven’t been written my way. It might just reassure me that no matter how many finance assignments are still to go, my baby steps of action towards nurturing my interest would keep me going more peacefully.
Now that I finally did something about my interest instead of keeping it all inside me and wondering about the right time to re-start writing, I think I have my reassurance and with that, I should go back to my distraught finance assignment. But this time it’s a happy thought because well, today was different.
